Sorry. -Rachel

I guess your just what I needed, I needed someone to please.

Event : Weighing in…

Mood : Exhausted. Frustration.

Thoughts : Being a server has introduced me to a lifestyle I don’t think everyone leads. Like I’ve met alcohol, beer after a shift, bloody mary after a coffee, bourbon after… well whenever I can afford it. Time flies without notice and being socially awkward isn’t an option. Serving more formally I’m learning to be aware of the way I walk, talk, and smile. My natural belligerence has to be either toned down or redirected. School has accidentally moved to the back burners and reading is reduced to short stories or about my horoscope.  I have entirely too much fun and I’m constantly meeting new people, so I suppose I can’t complain. It’s not like I don’t love it. 

But I am severely unhealthy.

Challenges now include finding the proper times to eat during the day, staying sober in St. Louis during the World Series, and fighting my FOMO (fear of missing out, as my 30 year old friend diagnosed). Thinking about exercising is a joke because I love smoking.

I’m also figuring out how to be safely and happily single again. I guess the couple of boyfriends I’ve had in the last few years may have kept my hyper self-awareness and insecurities at bay, while making me a little more well behaved. Now I feel I’m trying to look hot for the male population while maintaining personality, instead of just the one man who could really care less. I will throw myself at the first gentleman to give me attention.

Writing my pity post hopefully will allow me to reflect. Once I get going it all seems very unimportant. I get impatient with my inability to focus and spell and construct a sentence.

I’m still using my coping tools (for depression) I received from my counselor in college because I recognize these are the things upsetting me while I have other issues to whine about, like my brain tumor or debt or lack of direction or poor relationships with old friends and family… I figure there are time for those later.

Coping : Food log and sobriety.

Breakfast – 1/2 a 7-11 Po Boy.

Snack – 1/2 a chocolate chip cookie.

After work – 2 handfuls of trail mix, grapefruit with sugar.

Dinner – Who the hell knows

Result : Guilt. Plans for troubleshooting.