Sorry. -Rachel

“I want to be adored, I gotta be adored.”

January 21, 2010
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I miss Billy. I miss him. I miss his eyes, his stupid facial hair he grew out for me, his bad attitude, the way he smokes, the way he talks, the tattoo on his back I used to trace with my index while he was still sleeping in the morning. I miss his over-the-top arrogance. I sat in Tiffany’s staring at the door hoping he would walk through it, sit down on the squeaky red diner stool, light one up and ask me what the hell I was doing. Whatever higher mystical power I was pleading to, didn’t come through for me though, and he never came through the door. Tough. 

I hate to miss him because I know the feeling is not mutual. When I asked him if he wanted to spend time with me, (as friends, of course) he looked at me like he would rather burst into flames on the spot then to be alone with me for another minute.

This doesn’t really hurt my feelings too badly. I don’t know what I did for him to feel this way. I’m pretty sure I did nothing to deserve it, maybe spending time with me is simply too stressful. I will never know though, because you can be sure I am never calling that man again.

It’s not so bad being alone though, I can be as weird as I want without any questions. I can go to the art museum and meander, read for uninterrupted extensive periods of time, dress like a lunatic because since I’m not connected to anyone’s hand I can not be embarrassing them, drink coffee until my palms are cold, clammy, and shaking because there’s no one to touch, and dream about running away since there is no one here that will be upset with me for leaving.

My mom recently informed me I couldn’t call it running away anymore, she wants me to call it “getting a life”. WHATEVER, Cheryl.

I can do unladylike things like not sit with my knees together and pick my nose. Single life is awesome and familiar. I’m much better at it then being a girlfriend anyway.

Since I have all the time in the world at my disposal until I start massage therapy school in February, I thought I would try my hand at painting something for my main bitch, Maggie. I’ve asked my I Ching book, and Bible-dipped, and paged through my art history books for inspiration, all from which I find I need to make something that will inspire her to pursue her passion for saving the environment. It is difficult because art doesn’t usually strike her fancy or really move her. She doesn’t particularly like being in the environment either, so just doing a landscape piece wouldn’t do the trick. Oh, I also don’t know how to paint, so this is a challenge. But that’s okay.

Last thing I want to say is that I HAVE TO BE SKINNY. So I’ve been on a health kick, kind of, I’ve been touring all the gyms in STL that offer a free trail. It’s been fun, I think I’m going to start going twice a day. Starting tomorrow. I’ve stopped drinking beer so hopefully that will work in my favor.

Yep, being single has been good (besides when I’m lonely and bored).  I’ve crossed more things off my January To-Do list then I did in the entire year of 2009! Line em up, Knock em down!

The story of a girl dumped.

January 9, 2010
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Her head rested on his chest, “I miss this so much.” A tear pulls from her eye, rolls down her face, and escapes to his bare skin where she will wipe it away with her thumb. She imagines she feels his adams apple bob above her head, as if maybe he felt the same way. 

It will take her a week to let it go.

Three conversations with him within the week, and she can let it go. 

First, grief with the death of something that seemed good and felt right. 

Then the attempt to reason with herself not to be hurt because the break up was, reasonable. She is sore from the sudden heartbreak, which, caught her off guard, because she had no idea she cared this much. She thought she kept herself from having deep feelings for him. 

She has the first of three key conversations with him in his beat up black truck with cherry red interior. She wrote everything down she wanted to say and titled it “A List of Questions and Statements for …”, then a dozen reasons they shouldn’t be together, and a dozen reasons they were together. She leaves hopeful for a meaningful friendship and a future reunion. 

The next day, the insecurity which inevitably comes with being sacked hits her, right in the mouth. Then paranoia, and self doubt. Anger boils in her blood, confusion makes her feel violent, and hostile. She yells at him for the wrong reasons during the second conversation. She will try and fail to break his over confidence, they will tell each other what the other wants to hear. He will tell her that he cares about her, and he doesn’t want to hurt her. He spends the night, and he will hold her like he’s held countless other girls, and she will hold him like she’s never held anyone before. 

The third conversation will happen over the phone, it will be less epic then the other two, but more honest and realistic. Rachel will realize how unimportant their relationship was, and what they had will never be again. She will feel calm, not frantic to understand what’s happening between them. Rachel will let it go, she’ll open her arms and what she was clinging on to so tightly will drift way lightly with the snow off the roof tops, and whatever it was they had would be gone.

Rachel finds something in her that seems good and feels right.

About author

Born and raised in St. Louis, I hate eating at chain restaurants and enjoy drinking beer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, if you have any suggestions please let me know. Thanks.