Sorry. -Rachel

don’t let it bring you down it’s only castles burning just find someone who’s turning and you will come around

April 6, 2010
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I work now and that’s nice. I go to school as well, that’s nice too.

I am still unhappy.


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“..now I remembered that the real world was wide, and that a varied field of hopes and fears, of sensations and excitements, awaited those who had courage to go forth into its expanse, to seek real knowledge of life amidst its perils… “

June 16, 2009
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Events – Starting my job at Piccadilly, Cabin Fever, Telling my Dad about City Year

Mood – weary

Thoughts – With working at the office and Pic’s my work days are 13 hours long. Though Pic’s his challenging, the kitchen is hot, the knives extra sharp, the business is booming and when I come home at 11 I’m soaked in dirty dish water and grease from head to toe, it’s rather enjoyable. My coworkers are strange and a bit unconventional, and the owners feel like family. I love seeing all the regulars again,  the pace, and constant problem solving.  It seems the restaurant is getting well deserved media attention, Pic’s was in St. Louis Magazine, and I’ve seen them on the news on KPLR and KSDK (I think..) multiple times due to their reasonable prices during the recession and for original home cooked meals in unpretentious atmosphere. I’m happy to be back  in the midst of their success.

I only felt a little guilty taking off the first weekend to flee to southern Missouri, my friend’s family has a cabin deep in the woods 30 minutes from ANY signs of civilization, pretty far for us city kids.  It was built by his great grandparents, and every generation since has added to it, rustic charm oozing out of every wood paneled crack. Us city kids pretended we were country kids, fourwhelling and drinkin by a shallow river. It was the time of my life until a four-wheeler crashed, thank god no one got hurt but the buzz was killed for the rest of the weekend. Boo hoo.

Boo Hoo. My dad came home drunk the Sunday I got back and asked me when I was going to tell him about Americore.  I had asked my mom to please not tell him, obviously, she did anyway. The reason I told her not to tell him is because I knew his reaction was going to be callus, and he was going to put me down until I told him I wasn’t going, which wasn’t going to happen, so I knew it would be painful. I was trying to postpone the torture by waiting until I had more of the minute details worked out  but mom can’t keep a secret. It was just as bad as I thought it would be.

He told me it was the dumbest decision I’ve ever made, he told me I was a big disappointment, that I was stupid, I was going to be killed, that I was fruitless, fickle and flaky (not in that order), I was too selfish to want to help anyone and the only reason I was going was to see California, and that I was going to hang out with the gangs of east LA.

After my dad stepped down from his soapbox and dismissed me I used the excuse to return movies to leave the house because I didn’t want to my dad to think I was upset, and I didn’t want him to see me blubber which is what I wanted to do. Kyle is my favorite person, his character is allot like my dad’s but he’s a better more intelligent person and he gives me attention unlike my dad, he works at family video and happened to be working when I came in. I told him the story and he simply said “I think he’s wrong.” and the clouds part, the sun comes out and the situation is no longer so tragic.

I have nowhere to live in California, no means of getting there, and no idea what to expect if and when I get there.  My car with expired plates keeps getting tickets and sucks away my paychecks. Everything is so out of place I can’t blame my parents for being freaked out. All I know is it all feels right.


About author

Born and raised in St. Louis, I hate eating at chain restaurants and enjoy drinking beer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, if you have any suggestions please let me know. Thanks.

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