Sorry. -Rachel

I have no idea what’s going on.

February 10, 2010
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and I have writers block. 

After rereading my last post, I guess there have been some changes in my life. Changes either for better or worse were truly are unpredictable, and very unlike me, so I don’t know how long these things will last. 

I like listening to blues. I like to wake up early. I like to make my bed and tidy up my room. I have not talked to one of my close friends since the last weekend in January, she upset me,  nothing was ever resolved, this has never happened between us. Dieting and working out has not been hard for me. I am learning Medical Terminology. I have a roommate. When I think about Billy, which is not very often, there is no flip in my stomach. The only thing that’s constant is my fantasy to be skinny, I think it’s going okay. 

I guess I have writers block because my own life currently feels very unfamiliar.


“I want to be adored, I gotta be adored.”

January 21, 2010
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I miss Billy. I miss him. I miss his eyes, his stupid facial hair he grew out for me, his bad attitude, the way he smokes, the way he talks, the tattoo on his back I used to trace with my index while he was still sleeping in the morning. I miss his over-the-top arrogance. I sat in Tiffany’s staring at the door hoping he would walk through it, sit down on the squeaky red diner stool, light one up and ask me what the hell I was doing. Whatever higher mystical power I was pleading to, didn’t come through for me though, and he never came through the door. Tough. 

I hate to miss him because I know the feeling is not mutual. When I asked him if he wanted to spend time with me, (as friends, of course) he looked at me like he would rather burst into flames on the spot then to be alone with me for another minute.

This doesn’t really hurt my feelings too badly. I don’t know what I did for him to feel this way. I’m pretty sure I did nothing to deserve it, maybe spending time with me is simply too stressful. I will never know though, because you can be sure I am never calling that man again.

It’s not so bad being alone though, I can be as weird as I want without any questions. I can go to the art museum and meander, read for uninterrupted extensive periods of time, dress like a lunatic because since I’m not connected to anyone’s hand I can not be embarrassing them, drink coffee until my palms are cold, clammy, and shaking because there’s no one to touch, and dream about running away since there is no one here that will be upset with me for leaving.

My mom recently informed me I couldn’t call it running away anymore, she wants me to call it “getting a life”. WHATEVER, Cheryl.

I can do unladylike things like not sit with my knees together and pick my nose. Single life is awesome and familiar. I’m much better at it then being a girlfriend anyway.

Since I have all the time in the world at my disposal until I start massage therapy school in February, I thought I would try my hand at painting something for my main bitch, Maggie. I’ve asked my I Ching book, and Bible-dipped, and paged through my art history books for inspiration, all from which I find I need to make something that will inspire her to pursue her passion for saving the environment. It is difficult because art doesn’t usually strike her fancy or really move her. She doesn’t particularly like being in the environment either, so just doing a landscape piece wouldn’t do the trick. Oh, I also don’t know how to paint, so this is a challenge. But that’s okay.

Last thing I want to say is that I HAVE TO BE SKINNY. So I’ve been on a health kick, kind of, I’ve been touring all the gyms in STL that offer a free trail. It’s been fun, I think I’m going to start going twice a day. Starting tomorrow. I’ve stopped drinking beer so hopefully that will work in my favor.

Yep, being single has been good (besides when I’m lonely and bored).  I’ve crossed more things off my January To-Do list then I did in the entire year of 2009! Line em up, Knock em down!


“If your gonna throw up, throw up in this”

April 19, 2009
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event – saturday night

mood – uneasy, nauseated

thoughts – Don’t want to spend anymore time in Muncie. I don’t want to spend anymore time in my room, even though I feel I have no where else to go. My time in here in Indiana feels like I’m “ticking away the moments that make up a dull day” as pink floyd put it.

I thought I would be nervous for my phone interview with City Year because I’m nervous about everything, but then I thought could go about it two ways. I could stress out and try to answer the interviewers questions with what I think they want to hear, even though it’s not what I really want to say… Or I can just answer the questions openly and honestly, if they don’t like it oh well, right? Because what I feel about service is genuine and is all the answers to what I feel here which is completely helpless.

All I want is to be skinny skinny skinny skinny and not frumpy bumpy lumpy. I don’t know what to eat here that I healthy, and I don’t have my running shoes so therefore, I will continue to grow horizontally.

Life sucks.

Coping – drawing with my new watercolor pencils, planning on redecorating my room and wearing my baggy sweatshirt and wearing blue jeans and not thinking about how pale I am.

Result – still fat, but with many pretty pictures and colorful game plans colored in for my life. Hopeful, when I get home, I will able to have complete control of my own life.


About author

Born and raised in St. Louis, I hate eating at chain restaurants and enjoy drinking beer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, if you have any suggestions please let me know. Thanks.

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