Sorry. -Rachel

don’t let it bring you down it’s only castles burning just find someone who’s turning and you will come around

April 6, 2010
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I work now and that’s nice. I go to school as well, that’s nice too.

I am still unhappy.

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The post in which I continue to whine.

December 25, 2009

Things I’m thinking about this Christmas, I didn’t think about last Christmas… and never thought I would have to think about:

Wealth – I’m not talking about being bitter the poor economy left 2 presents under the tree for me. We’ve never really had money. I’m talking about my overall life capital continuing to plummet. Concerning Family capital: My mom, brothers, and my own relationship with my dad, has been stale since he asked permission from my mom to have an affair. He’s my dad, I love him, but he’s always been a bad person. My Grandma Rita not being around stings more this year then it did last. Emotional Capital: My mood has been anything but jolly. The winter blues have always got me but it feels much worse when I think about California and the whole entire opportunity I let slip through my fingers. It sucks to go outside, which leaves me s.o.l. when it sucks to be inside. All things adhere to my low spirits.  Intellectual capital: My library is charging me large fees for a book I turned in extraordinarily late, I have no money to purchase books. I spent a week or so watching every single episode of the O.C.. I have no money to for school which leads me to my next thought…

Weather I’m going to go to school or not – A thought I never thought I would have thunk. Obviously, judging by my inability to write a grammatically correct sentence  I should be enrolled in some sort of academic establishment next semester, but alas, I am not, for I have no money. The black hole of hopelessness widens!

Wondering if Aunt Flow will make an appearance for the holidays – oh she will, but it’s only of a matter of when because I fear I will hurt many more feelings if the PMS Monster stays any longer. I also would like to have further confirmation I’m not pregnant as well. A fear I never had until this year which leads me to my next thought…

My boyfriend – I have no complaints about my boyfriend except at some point things are going to crash and burn, I feel it in my bones. I know it sounds wrong, but my feelings for him are growing and I don’t think I like it.

Taylor Swift  – …. What? Don’t judge me!

Things I’m thinking about, I thought about last Christmas, and I probably will always think about:

Loosing weight

Harry Potter

I’m alive and healthy, so are my friends and family. I should be ashamed for wanting more.

Life as a Deadbeat

October 31, 2009
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Last time I posted something it was the beginning of June, which in fact, was the last time I did anything worthwhile. With all of my ambitions currently shattered I have nothing better to do but spend all of my time with my boyfriend-thing. Which makes me feel, well, pathetic, and guilty since I’m typing this as he lays here next to me sleeping. Gotta love morning breath. We are very, very, hungover.

At least the sun is shinning. It’s been the wettest October since 1837 in St. Louis (no kiddin HA)

When I don’t write something for a while it’s like calling an old friend for the “How’s life?” conversation. I think I go about things the same way, reminiscing about the last time we talked, “oh how things have changed! oh how time flies!”, what’s happening so far today annnd the finally the weather. Then you realize you can’t bull shit your good ol friend any longer and you just have to tell them what’s really going on even though you are ashamed you didn’t have anything better to say about your life because when the how’s life question is asked the second time the answer changes from “fine” to a mental breakdown, hands touch your face, rubbing your forehead, fisting your eyes like a baby, “Life sucks.”

I didn’t go to California. I hate to say this but I blame mom. In the couple of weeks when I was trying to lock in my plans she stopped eating, sleeping, and was really starting to act cuckoo. I thought she would die if I left. I wussed out and couldn’t leave her, I’m sure if I had gone I would have called her everyday, sent her pictures, and assured her I was fine until she eventually came to terms with me being away. I’m sure she would have gotten over it rather quickly. I don’t spend much time thinking about it but once every other day the sentence “You Should Have Went.” drifts down like the leaves from autumn trees. It sits on a brown leaf, and stares at me on the way down until it settles in the mud of my mind. Haha It’s like that fucking money on the Geico commercials, with the fuckin googely eyes.

I also quit both of my jobs, due to the fact they both sucked and I guess I’m too good for both of them. I’m broke.

I enrolled for 3 classes this semester. Fitness center, figure drawing, and photography. Failed, failing, failing. Like I said things are not so good.

One upside though: my previously mentioned boyfriend-thing. I say boyfriend-thing opposed to just boyfriend alone, no ‘thing’ suffix because well, I think with the amount of time we spend together we might as well be uh, in that type of relationship, but there’s a ‘thing’.

Like his wife he is fighting with on the phone right now.

Will edit later, but for sake of having something posted, I’m publishing this now.

About author

Born and raised in St. Louis, I hate eating at chain restaurants and enjoy drinking beer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, if you have any suggestions please let me know. Thanks.