Sorry. -Rachel

“I want to be adored, I gotta be adored.”

January 21, 2010
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I miss Billy. I miss him. I miss his eyes, his stupid facial hair he grew out for me, his bad attitude, the way he smokes, the way he talks, the tattoo on his back I used to trace with my index while he was still sleeping in the morning. I miss his over-the-top arrogance. I sat in Tiffany’s staring at the door hoping he would walk through it, sit down on the squeaky red diner stool, light one up and ask me what the hell I was doing. Whatever higher mystical power I was pleading to, didn’t come through for me though, and he never came through the door. Tough. 

I hate to miss him because I know the feeling is not mutual. When I asked him if he wanted to spend time with me, (as friends, of course) he looked at me like he would rather burst into flames on the spot then to be alone with me for another minute.

This doesn’t really hurt my feelings too badly. I don’t know what I did for him to feel this way. I’m pretty sure I did nothing to deserve it, maybe spending time with me is simply too stressful. I will never know though, because you can be sure I am never calling that man again.

It’s not so bad being alone though, I can be as weird as I want without any questions. I can go to the art museum and meander, read for uninterrupted extensive periods of time, dress like a lunatic because since I’m not connected to anyone’s hand I can not be embarrassing them, drink coffee until my palms are cold, clammy, and shaking because there’s no one to touch, and dream about running away since there is no one here that will be upset with me for leaving.

My mom recently informed me I couldn’t call it running away anymore, she wants me to call it “getting a life”. WHATEVER, Cheryl.

I can do unladylike things like not sit with my knees together and pick my nose. Single life is awesome and familiar. I’m much better at it then being a girlfriend anyway.

Since I have all the time in the world at my disposal until I start massage therapy school in February, I thought I would try my hand at painting something for my main bitch, Maggie. I’ve asked my I Ching book, and Bible-dipped, and paged through my art history books for inspiration, all from which I find I need to make something that will inspire her to pursue her passion for saving the environment. It is difficult because art doesn’t usually strike her fancy or really move her. She doesn’t particularly like being in the environment either, so just doing a landscape piece wouldn’t do the trick. Oh, I also don’t know how to paint, so this is a challenge. But that’s okay.

Last thing I want to say is that I HAVE TO BE SKINNY. So I’ve been on a health kick, kind of, I’ve been touring all the gyms in STL that offer a free trail. It’s been fun, I think I’m going to start going twice a day. Starting tomorrow. I’ve stopped drinking beer so hopefully that will work in my favor.

Yep, being single has been good (besides when I’m lonely and bored).  I’ve crossed more things off my January To-Do list then I did in the entire year of 2009! Line em up, Knock em down!

“Just cause you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there”

May 8, 2009
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I’m sitting in my uprooted room trying to make a place for myself at home again. Listening to a spring thunderstorm. It’s good to be home and with old friends, I’ve missed so much. Yesterday, as we were cleaning my room, my two friends, Maggie and Courtnie,  were literally throwing away everything I own. Courtnie joked, “We are like your personal Clean House.” Which they didn’t know that I watched all the time while I was in Muncie, I really had nothing better to do.

I’m in the process of taking my high school room, and transforming it into something an adult can live in (the adult being me believe it or not). Which means getting rid of my Simpsons and band posters, old tacky lamps, a fileing cabinet with old purses in it, books I’ll never leave and other strange kick-knacks I’ve been hording. All of my previous memories were put in one cardboard box.

I used to feel like this room was haunted when visiting it during the school year, like there was something watching me in the corner, or something waiting for me at the top of the stairs. But the room was a stranger to me, just like a person, stangers are hard to approch and you don’t know what to expect from them, you just hope they are polite. I’m spending time in it now though, and I have no creepy feelings, there is nothing lurking in the corner and only my mom at the foot of the stairs.

I’ve already visited some of my favorite places in St. Louis, one of the being Left Bank Books in the Central West End. I dragged Maggie with me, she was put out until she saw there was a cat in the store. “Oh! Kitty!” Then she can sit and pet it while I browse the used books.

I had lunch with my mom and brother at Cooper Ella in the neighborhood. Oh, and I bought an I Ching Workbook from my favorite new age store, Mystic Valley. Then I drank vodka tonics with the girls. Over all, awesome day.

All Nighters

May 5, 2009
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event – the eve of my first final

mood – PAthetic

thoughts – I just threw a hissy fit. I was literally doing the stomping feet-shaking fits-making high pitched noises bit. I sure my roommate appreciated it, it’s ok I only have 3 days left with her.

I also had my last appointment with my counselor here, which was sad and awkward, because I have had no relationship to her outside of her office, but she is still someone I connected with, so it was hard to show my appreciation. I suppose I will write her a thank you card.  Doris (my counselor) is the reason my posts are in the event, mood, thoughts, coping, results format. She called it a mood chart, which does actually help me.

It’s so strange how much we had in common, which I didn’t realize until our last meeting. After just the first time I met with her I was in a better mood and everything was much less tragic, so we really didn’t have to talk about how I was feeling so much, and could just conversate. I found out that she was a lot like me when she was an undergrad- she had a passion for learning. Like me money wasn’t the main focus of her future ambitions. She also was interested in metaphysics and very liberal.  We both have bipolar relatives. Crazy right?.. er not crazy.. (you know what I mean) On top of everything she introduced me to I Ching, an ancient sort of Chinese fortune telling, with coins. So far it predicted I got into City Year, we’ll see on the 15th.

The reason I threw a tantrum moments before I started this post, is because I have a finals, like everyone else in college, but I (unlike everyone else in college) do not care, what-so-ever, how well I do but I still feel I should do some kind of studying… right? I’m pissed off I don’t do better academically, I have no excuse, it shouldn’t be this complicated, it’s not like I’m not capable of doing it, it’s just…  I hate it with every fiber of my being. I HATE cramming. I enjoy learning. I’m going to fail this history test, but history is where I do well. So why not just do it? Because it makes me sick to my stomach, I don’t know why. Juuust shoot me.

coping – all nighter

result – crash and buuuurrrrnnn

P.S. I watched 13 episodes of Scrubs today. Really, I am a bum.

About author

Born and raised in St. Louis, I hate eating at chain restaurants and enjoy drinking beer. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, if you have any suggestions please let me know. Thanks.